


can i be close to you?

by exhaustedwerewolf



Category: The Bright Sessions (Podcast), The College Tapes (Podcast)
Genre: Adam Hayes Needs a Hug, Adam wears eyeliner which is important to me, Canon Compliant, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hugs, Literal Sleeping Together, M/M, Napping, No major TCT spoilers, One Shot, POV Third Person, Post-Canon, it's more likely than you think, me? projecting my experiences w/ meds onto adam?, medication mentions, mostly comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-14
Updated: 2021-01-14
Packaged: 2021-03-18 12:07:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,043
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28742967
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/exhaustedwerewolf/pseuds/exhaustedwerewolf
Summary: His meds help, but Adam still has his bad days. Caleb is there for him.
Relationships: Adam Hayes/Caleb Michaels
Comments: 12
Kudos: 27





	can i be close to you?

**Author's Note:**

> title is from [bloom by the paper kites](https://open.spotify.com/track/41yIvlFgvGwxq8qTqAR7eG?si=p6ncuj-bS1KsniEK5Cnh3w) \- which is indeed on one of their playlists. hope you like it!

Adam’s emotions aren’t _bigger_ than anyone else’s, not really, even though sometimes they seem so... vast. It’s more like a radio frequency that Caleb’s empathy is like, perfectly attuned to- the other emotions bleeding from behind the walls of apartments in their block are just shapeless, colourful noise. Adam’s feelings are sharp with clarity, even from halfway down the hall. Caleb quickens his steps.

From the moment he enters the apartment, even without his empathy, Caleb couldn’t have missed the sadness Adam has left in his wake. The leather satchel from London he loves so much, dropped in the entryway carelessly, beside his discarded boots, laces trailing on the floor. Caleb toes off his sneakers and shivers when the chill of the wooden floorboards seep into his socks- Adam clearly hadn’t even made it to the thermostat. He doesn’t need to call out to know where to find him, but when he reaches their bedroom door, he drums his knuckles against the doorframe anyway. Only when hears a muffled sound of acquiescence does he make his way inside.

The blinds are drawn, but the bedside lamp is on, which is something. Adam’s mostly buried in a tangle of duvet and fluffy blankets- Caleb can only see the dark muss of his hair, the glister of his dark, tired eyes, the jut of an elbow splayed beneath a pillow. It looks like he didn’t even get out of his work clothes before crawling under the covers.

Caleb exhales quietly, trying to breathe through the cloying blue. It’s not the shade of blue that makes him think _Adam_ , but a dull, desaturated shade Adam might call Aegean, the colour of drowning without a fight. Still tinged with an unwelcome familiarity, but not Adam-blue. Caleb sits down on the edge of the bed, and strokes a gentle hand through his boyfriend’s hair- Adam murmurs a greeting and unearths a hand from the blanket-nest to link his fingers through Caleb’s. 

“Hey, babe,” Caleb says, kissing his knuckles. “Long day?”

Adam nods, rustling the covers a little. 

“Did you take your meds?”

“Yeah,” Adam closes his eyes. “I don’t know what’s going on, just… not doing shit for me today, I guess.”

It’s not exactly how it felt back in high school anymore. Adam’s episodes have felt different since he’s been on meds, in a way that Caleb struggles to describe. There’s... _edges_ , now, an outline to the sadness. It’s not like it was, like standing beside the ocean in the pitch-dark, unable to tell where the shoreline meets the roiling water, where the horizon meets the void of the sky, where the frigid air meets your skin. It kind of fits with what Adam has told him, that it’s so much fucking easier now, to tell himsef he might feel better tomorrow when he actually _might_ feel better tomorrow.

“I kind of don’t know how I did it, honestly,” he’d said, a little ruefully. They'd been crowded together at the bathroom sink- Adam’s elbow propped on the rim so that he could draw on his eyeliner, Caleb watching him, transfixed, through the mirror. “I miss my meds for like, one day, and I think, fuck, I really used to feel like this all the time? Withdrawals aside, obviously.”

“Fuck, Adam,” Caleb had managed, trying not to let his voice go thick with tears, failing- Adam had only laughed fondly, turned to him.

“Don’t cry, meathead,” with a smile, he leant up on his tip-toes to press a kiss to Caleb’s cheek. “I’m good now, you know that.” He tapped Caleb in the chest with the blunt end of the eye pencil.

“I know. Dork,” Caleb sniffed, grinning. “Still kinda sucks, though. That you had to wait so long.” 

_Still kinda sucks, though._ Caleb thinks again, stroking his thumb down Adam’s wrist.

Just because it’s easier doesn’t mean it isn’t still hard. Really fucking hard sometimes, actually. Caleb can’t ignore the churning eddies of fear either, the salt-in-the-wound sting of them, and Adam’s told him what words spin parallel to them in his mind- what if the meds have stopped working, what if it’s back to _this_ forever- or what if this is just Adam's own fault, this time, what if he's done something stupid to bring this on-

“Is there anything I can do?” Caleb asks.

“Can you just… stay for a bit?” Adam holds his arms out to Caleb pleadingly.

Caleb is already sinking into his embrace, pulling the blankets back to slip in beside him. He wraps his arms around Adam, basking in the familiar contradiction of him; the softness of his cashmere sweater and the sharp angles of his body beneath, breathes him in- the faint citrus of his aftershave from the morning and the staler, salt-sweet scent of tears. Adam nestles his head on Caleb’s shoulder, and Caleb feels his chest heave in a stifled sigh. 

“An hour, alright? Then we need to eat.” 

Adam makes a small sound of reluctance. 

“Come on, we can order in. Pizza? And a movie?”

“Okay...” Adam’s unenthusiasm isn’t exactly heartening, but it’s obvious he’s trying. Caleb presses a soft kiss to his forehead and then he pulls back, an idea occurring.

“Hang on,” he extracts his arms for a moment to try and worm his phone out of the pocket of his jeans. After some difficulty, and some muffled noises of complaint from Adam, he manages to slide it free, and holds it up triumphantly for Adam to see, the tangle of his earphones dangling from the jack. When he's unwound them some, he offers a bud to Adam, a little shyly. Like they’re teenagers again, blushing every time they so much as brush their legs on the bus. There’s the brief ghost of a smile on Adam’s face as he takes it, and Caleb is breathless with relief at just the faintest soothe of cool green unfurling between them. He queues up one of their old playlists, and slips the other earbud into his own ear. As the intro begins to wash over them both, and he watches Adam’s eyes flutter closed, his own eyelids grow heavy. 

They fall asleep like that, intertwined, and both of them dream in only the gentlest shades of green. 

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading! this was just a short fic to try and get me back into the swing of posting little things without agonising over editing, so apologies if there's any mistakes, and please do let me know if so.
> 
> as always you can find me on tumblr [@exhaustedwerewolf](https://exhaustedwerewolf.tumblr.com/)\- my ask is always open if you have any requests or if you just want to chat! hope you're having a wonderful day.


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